Spinning With Housewives

Which Mario Kart item ended JR Hildebrand's day?

2011-05-29T16:01:00.005-04:00

There was a recent study published on Twitter that said only 7 percent of the population uses the social networking website. That's a shame, really, because Twitter is f*cking awesome. When "The Social Network" trailer came out a year or so ago, I was unable to find a mp3 of the "Creep" cover used in it on either Frostwire or a Google search. Somehow, through a Twitter search, I found a user that had the mp3 and she emailed it to me, no questions asked.

Social networking at its most awesome.

The reason I bring this up is that after JR Hildebrand wrecked on the final turn of Sunday's Indianapolis 500, a number of Twitterers made jokes about a Mario Kart item ending the rookie's day - along with crushing his dreams. But interestingly enough, everyone was mentioning different items. As one of many people who considers themselves Mario Kart experts, I will attempt to answer this all-important question ONCE AND FOR ALL: Which Mario Kart item ended JR Hildebrand's day?

1. Fake Item Box
This is the easiest one to avoid, but Human Nature also dictates that we enjoys presents and nice, shiny things. It's possible that Hildebrand was distracted by his attempt to pass lap car Charlie Kimball, and while looking down and to his left - bam, hit the upside-down question mark which has been laid down on the track a few laps earlier by Bertrand Baguette before entering the pits.

2. Banana
The banana - otherwise known as the most worthless of the items - may have been the demise of Hildebrand. Show me a driver who enjoys getting the banana item as a weapon, and I'll show you someone who also enjoys Eagle-Eye Cherry's "Save Tonight." The culprit - Kimball. Like Hildebrand, he was a 500 rookie. Already some laps down and not a factor in the race, Kimball didn't want to see another first-year driver take the spotlight. So even though it was sour grapes, Kimball dropped a 'naner right in front of Hildebrand before he passed him, sending him onto his date with Destiny's ugly step-sister, The Wall.

3. Green Shell
This seemed to be the choice of the Twitterariat as for what felled Hildebrand. However, the most glaring problem with with the green shell, as any Mario Kart player will tell you, is its accuracy. And considering Hildebrand's position on the track at the time - into and past turn four - it would've taken one of the greatest shots of all-time to have a direct hit, along with a gratuitous bounce off the wall into Hildebrand's car. And since it's a long-distance shot liability, and there's so much luck involved, it likely came from someone outside of the top three. The Hail Mary turtle shell throws would've came from a driver with a green car, and someone who's had terrible luck in Indy: Tony Kanaan.

4. Red Shell
By far superior to the green shell, the red shell hits about 97 percent of the time, and it goes immediately toward the car directly in front of you. It's a great item to have (actually triple red shells is the money one) as you're closing in on the finish line because you can fend off attacks along with firing one at the first-place car in front you right before the finish. And because of that, there's only one culprit with the red turtle shell: eventual winner Dan Wheldon. With the exception of Bid Laden's execution, it was the kill shot of kill shots.

5. Blue Shell
Along with the lightning bolt, the bullet and the star, you only get this when you're in the back of the pack. No matter where you are in the field, the shell goes directly for the leader. It's a dastardly item and has caused a number of casualties at the end of races. The only person with the vile to throw this is someone who is apparently now the most hated person in IndyCar: Danica Patrick.

Final thoughts: Hildebrand's crash was so abrupt and came out of nowhere. Smooth sailing around the turn, sees Kimball and - splat - to the wall out of the lead. Based on the aura and time of the event, there didn't seem to be any impending doom where turtle shells were on their way or there was a Fake Item Box he was ready to run into and would be forced to avoid. The culprit was quick, deceptive, nearly painless and completely surprised the driver when he ran over something and may possibly take Jean Van de Velde or Steve Bartman's place in infamy. And because Hildebrand's demise was so unlikely, it has the be the most unlikely of Mario Kart items which doomed him.

THE VERDICT: Charles Kimball, on turn four, with the banana.

Music Monday: April 4, 2011

2011-04-04T09:00:00.003-04:00

Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" is a very ordinary song. Unfortunately, no one seems to realize this because it continues to be popular.

For better or worse, Gaga raised her own bar with a set of unique songs, including "Bad Romance" and "Telephone." Part of Gaga's popularity is that her style of pop music is distinctively different than that of, say, Kelly Clarkson. This is also why Ke$ha remains to be relevant, although I'd rather let a doctor repair sutures on my head every day than listen to her crap.

But because Gaga's other songs were so good, she should be ridiculed when she drops down and does a bland single such as Born This Way. Instead, it is one of the most popular songs today. Go figure. The fact that nearly every person ever compared it to Madonna's "Express Yourself" without prompting from anyone else should say enough about its quality.

Why do I point all this out? It's disappointing that I'm familiar with this song because my connection to new music is gone. I can't even use the marriage/kids excuse. I just got old, it's as simple at that. I listen to podcasts to and from work - my 21-year-old self would hate me.

Here is a small sample of songs I'm digging for Monday, April 4.

5. Positive K - I Got A Man

I hate to admit this, but whenever this song comes up on my iPod, I never skip over it. This is a song that I don't think was super popular to begin with, but it always draws me in. There was a work highlight last week when my boss, Brian, brought this song up during an important newsroom discussion on music and a few of us started to sing it. We. Are. Awesome.

I honestly don't remember this song back when it came out in the late 80s-early 90s. I was introduced to this song by my buddy James in college. He's introduced me to a lot of music - some good and some bad. I'm gonna put this one in the 'Good' column.

4. Meatloaf - I'll Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

I will always be a proponent of karaoke. When I was in Indianapolis two weekends ago visiting a friend, we went to Karaoke Night at Claude & Annie's in Fishers. There was a gentlemen duo that tag-teamed this song, and it was awesome. So now, because of this, I've been listening to it here and there on the iPod.

I guess this is where I admit I have a terrible taste in music (like you didn't know this already). I got this CD for Christmas back in 1994. Now, you may think that it was a terrible Mom Purchase, where she thinks she's buying something I want. But nope, I asked for this CD. I do really like this song, but for a 14-year-old trying to fit in with the cool kids while wearing sweat pants to school every day in sixth grade, it may have been a grade mistake. Warren G's "Regulate" or Snow's "Informer" probably would've been a better choice.

3. Neon Trees - Animal

This song qualifies as this week's "Song That's Been Out Forever That I Still Listen To." My music listening theories are messed up. Most times, I'll download a bunch of popular songs and proceed to not listen to them for a couple months. A positive: I don't get tired or worn out of a song, and am still allowed to enjoy it without groaning.

That's where "Animal" falls for me. I never really started listening until after its peak, and it's a song that I enjoy. You should, too.

2. The Kinks - Lola

I've always enjoyed songs about transvestites.

1. Mumford & Sons - The Cave

LOOK AT ME! I'M SO HIP BECAUSE I AM TELLING YOU THAT I ENJOY A SONG BY MUMFORD & SONS!

I really did not want to like them; mainly because everyone else was tagging them as their hip, go-to band - tossing aside Kings of Leon. I'm weird like that. But yes, as I listened to this and Little Lion Man, my mind had a strange attraction to the song. I fought it, I really did. I WILL RESIST THE MAN WITH THE STRANGE VOICE.

I couldn't resist. I like these guys. It is what it is.

But, seriously, can't we all agree that their performance with Bob Dylan and The Avett Brothers at the Grammys was atrocious? Why is Bob Dylan still singing? I'm with Adam Carolla on the whole Bob Dylan thing - what an overrated piece of crap.

83rd Annual Academy Awards Predictions

2011-02-27T18:00:00.001-05:00

I love movies.

That's a given. But to be completely honest, the number of films I've seen that are always up for awards is remarkably small. My two favorite movies from 2010 were "The Social Network" and "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World." One highly regarded, the other, not so much.

Of course, this never stops me from making Oscar picks every year in all categories. With some help from word-of-mouth, Entertainment Weekly, the "Doug Loves Movies" and "The Film Vault" podcasts, here's my attempt to make my best selections.

And this year, it's personal, because I'm in a seven-person pool with my mom's side of the family.

1. Best Actor: Colin Firth - The King's Speech
This qualifies as a movie I have not seen, but everyone seems to think Firth's performance was phenomenal and is almost a lock, so I'll go with that - although Jeff Bridges (True Grit) and Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) were awesome.

2. Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale - The Fighter
One of the problems with Justin Timberlake's role in The Social Network is that you just cannot get away from the fact that it's him. Not to mention the fact that the real Sean Parker's role in the creation of Napster was not necessarily the way it was presented in the film. In Timberlake's first scene, the girl he hooks up with immediately recognizes Parker's name as the creator of Napster - it was Sean Fanning who was by far the most recognizable name in that creation. I bring up Timberlake's performance because he clearly doesn't separate the real self from his character. Bale does the opposite of this in The Fighter and completely immerses himself in this role and is simply amazing. You don't even realize it's him.

3. Best Actress: Natalie Portman - Black Swan
Really wanted to go against the grain and pick Annette Bening for The Kids Are All Right. But anytime you throw yourself into a role so you can have a super-hot lesbian scene with Mila Kunis, you deserve the Oscar. Halle Berry won one of these for a sex scene, so why not Portman?

4. Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit
This was a leading role for Steinfeld and was put in the supporting category strictly because of her age. We've seen younger girls win this award before - Anna Paquin at age 11 for "The Piano" - so there is some precedent. I'm going against the grain, which seems to be in favor of Melissa Leo for The Fighter but I' predict Leo and Amy Adams (best remembered as Jim Halpert's ex-girlfriend in "The Office") will split the votes for that movie.

5. Best Picture: The Social Network.
I pulled the trigger on this one as a surprise. I know everyone's picking The King's Speech. I know I'm picking with my heart instead of trying to win a pool. But I got a feeling The Social Network will pull off a surprise here.

6. Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network
This category is absolutely stacked. Fincher, Hooper, The Coens, Aronofsky and Russell. A powerhouse of directors and movies. But I'm going with my favorite of the movies, and I loved the way Fincher mixed in the flashback scenes.

7. Best Foreign Film: Biutiful
It was between this and Dogtooth, a movie which supposedly contains a bunch of incest - seems like the type of movie Oscar would love (if that's your cup of tea, it's available on Netflix Instant Queue). But since Javier Bardem was nominated for a Best Actor for this movie, I'm going with it.

8. Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3
Duh. This is about as much of a lock as you're going to get.

9. Art Direction: Alice In Wonderland

10. Cinematography: The Social Network
Either this or Inception. But I think that Best Director and Cinematography go hand-in-hand. I may be wrong with this theory.

11. Costume Design: Alice in Wonderland
I picked this movie for both Art Direction and Costume Design. If I get 1 of the 2, I'll call it a win.

12. Best Documentary: Exit Through The Gift Shop
A nod to the only nominated documentary that I saw this year, about the reclusive street artist Banksy. But I do think that Restrepo might beat it out. EW says Inside Job is an easy bet. I hope they're wrong.

13. Best Documentary Short: Killing In The Name
Fact: If you name your documentary after a Rage Against The Machine song, I will choose you.

14. Film Editing: The Social Network

15. Makeup: The Wolfman
Sure.

16: Best Original Score: The Social Network
Trent Reznor follows up the Golden Globes win with another one.

17. Best Original Song: If I Rise - 127 Hours
Well, I had no idea what to do here until I saw Dido and A. R. Rahman (Slumdog Millionaire) did this song together. Seems like Oscar would pick this one.

18. Best Animated Short: The Gruffalo

19. Best Live Action Short: Na Wewe

20. Sound Editing: Inception

21. Sound Mixing: Inception

22. Best Visual Effects: Inception
I can't imagine any of the other four nominees coming close to what Christopher Nolan captured in this movie.

23. Best Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network
Seems like a lay-up. Based on the novel, "The Accidental Billionaires." Could see "True Grit" get this as well.

24. Best Original Screenplay: Inception
Inception probably will not win. It'll probably be The King's Speech. But Inception was a completely original piece of work while The King's Speech was not as much. I'll probably be wrong.

Music: Five For Friday

2011-02-18T09:00:00.004-05:00

I listen to a lot of music - most of it crappy.

And because it's important that I share with you the crappy music that I'm listening to, we're starting a new feature on SWH called "Five For Friday", just to show you what terrible music I'm listening to right now.

The songs tend to be old ones because I'm no longer hip, so at the very least, hopefully the "Five For Friday" jars your memory and turns back the clock just a little.

1. The Cranberries - Dreams

After reading a story on Gawker (I won't apologize for being a visitor to the site) about how Miley Cyrus' success ruined her parents' marriage, a commenter said that Miley appeared in the video for "Dreams" by The Cranberries, as an infant under a tree or something like that. That was enough for me to go to YouTube and check it out. I didn't see an infant under a tree, but it was enough for me to download the song and listen to it here and there for the past week or so.

I know "Linger" was their big hit, but I always think of "Ode to my Family" first because my old college roommate Tom was a fan of that song for some odd reason. I even think his enjoyment of it actually got him laid once after meeting a co-ed who also loved the song but my memory could be jarred a bit.

2. Band of Horses - The Funeral

No, no, no I'm not depressed or anything. Just a kick-ass song by a kick-ass band. I promise they'll make more appearances in the Five For Friday.

3. Dave Matthews Band - Warehouse (live)

Here's a little known fact: I've been to nine Dave Matthews Band concerts. All of them came between 1997-2003 which is right about the time I quit listening to them, but I was totally a stereotype of the college kid who loved DMB early in the decade.

In fact, I used to buy and sell bootleg concert recordings on eBay, and made a ton of money doing it. Turns out that's a big no-no, and I got busted by the RIAA for it, then ending my days as a music pirate. But Warehouse was always one of my favorite live songs DMB did, and the Live at Red Rocks version recently came up on my iPod and, like a Russian sleeper agent, it somehow triggered back old memories.

4. The La's - There She Goes

Unfortunately, nearly everyone associates this song with the terrible cover version by Sixpence None The Richer, which was part of the some movie soundtrack. It's presented as a love song of sorts, but, bad news, the song's actually about shooting heroin. (Kurt Cobain must really have liked this song). So don't go using this as your wedding song. It's sort of like how U2's "One" is used as a wedding song, yet the lyrics are about being independent. There's also a blow job reference in that song as well FTW.

The La's sang the original version, it's very raw and not polished like the Sixpence version is, and, on the whole, a much better version.

5. Usher - OMG

When 50 Cent's "In Da Club" had received constant airplay for six months, everyone was sick of hearing it. So right around that point, I was in the car my with some buddies, and this song came on the radio. No one said anything, but we were all tired of hearing it. My friend Nick, out of nowhere, in an excited voice, yells "Yeah, 50 cent!!"

You had to be there, and it was much funnier then, but Usher's OMG is filling that role for me right now. Yes, it's been out for awhile and everyone's sick of it, but I'm still listening to it constantly and it gets the blood flowing when I'm on the treadmill. I regret nothing.

Phil Friend's Guide to Staying Single

2011-02-17T11:00:00.003-05:00

Let me start off with this disclaimer: I enjoy being single for the most part. The greatest aspect of this lifestyle - for me, anyway - is that it is mostly a drama- and stress-free lifestyle. Does this come at the cost of getting laid more often? Yes. But having sex is not fun when you're bogged down by the woes and gray hairs caused by a relationship.

When you're single there's nothing to get jealous about, nothing to cause you unnecessary headaches, you're free to go anyplace anytime anywhere, you're not wondering if your significant other is being true, you don't have to check in to make sure you can play a video game or go out with friends, blah blah blah. The list could go on forever.

Yes, there are disadvantages to being single: 1) not knowing there is someone out there who actually loves you (that's not a family member) is probably the big one - and it hurts the worst when it's 2:30 in the a.m. and you're sitting in your room cramming pizza and breadsticks down your throat wondering where it all went wrong; 2) not being able to create a child and raising one with someone you'd love (although I'd actually call that an advantage) and 3) that's about it.

For some of us, we build our lives our independence (or, to some degree, selfishness). Sometimes, it's out of necessity - my financial woes (all self-inflicted) are well-documented because I tend to live my life as an open book, which is one of my many, many faults. And because of that, that means I have to skip out on certain trips and get-togethers, and I know my friends get upset that I bail. That's getting off-topic, but the point is this: for those of us that remain single, selfishness is at the heart of it, in dealing with both friends and females.

There aren't many people more qualified to comment on what it's like to be eternally single than me. There are a myriad of reasons for my bachelorhood, some by design, some not. So if you're interested in never having a girlfriend, while at the same time rarely getting laid, please follow these seven simple steps.

1. Don't Talk To Girls
The best way to prevent having your heart broken is to avoid contract with girls at all time. A good way to do this is to have a part-time job as a substitute teacher and then be a sportswriter at a newspaper where you work past midnight on Friday and Saturday nights.

Also, have more debt than your yearly salary.

Both are equally effective.

2. Immerse Yourself in Multiple Video Games
To ensure you don't accidentally run into someone you may be interested in, lock yourself in your room and play as many video games as possible. Whether you're guiding Gareth Bale and Tottenham Hotspur to a Premier League title on FIFA 11, running football programs at Oregon, Syracuse and Ole Miss on NCAA Football 11 or trying to win a Super Bowl with a Tim Tebow-led Washington Redskins squad, all of the above take up an extraordinary amount of time. Time that can't be spent cultivating a loving relationship.

3. Be a 4-At-A-Time Unlimited User of Netflix
If there's one thing that will ensure that your penis stays in your pants, becoming a movie nerd is a good start. If the last four movies you watched via Netflix were the gripping Vietnam War drama "Apocalypse Now", the documentary "Overnight" about crazy filmmaker Troy Duffy, "Despicable Me" and "Cyrus"- four movies that have nothing in common - then yes, your dorkiness has officially been embedded inside you.

4. Record 30-plus Television Shows
Although the author's actual number may be more around the mid-20s, setting aside time for the entire 3-hour comedy block from NBC on Thursday night is a good way to assure that free time won't be spent looking at profiles on plentyoffish.com.

4. Continue talking to exes or girls you briefly dates/hooked up/were interested in

In a life full of Achilles' heels, this is a deadly one. Some people have a fear of being hated, so they feel the need to keep all relationships in good terms. This means continuing to talk to the exes, and in some cases, still pursuing them, even after they've entered short-term, long-term relationships or even married.

This cannot be healthy.

5. Eat Yourself To Death, Eat Emotionally and Eat Carbs

There's nothing less attractive than a man with a gut hanging over your belly. To make sure no one talks to you, eat - at least - two fast-food meals per day. Order cheeseburgers or roast beef sandwiches because carbs are our friend. To also help the protruding gut, drinking three 32-ounce Coke/Pespi/Mountain Drew cups also helps moving that along.

Are you thinking there's a girl you might be interested in? Wash those thoughts away right now and head to McDonald's for two bacon, egg and cheese biscuits and a large Coke.

6. Do Not Shave Your Nose or Ear Hairs
In this day and age, singletons are supposed to keep their bodies as pristine as possible. All chest hair must be shaved; all pubic hair must be removed; all ear and nose hair needs to be taken away; get rid of that back hair; get rid of the back hair on the neck. All of that is a lot of work and takes away from both video game and television/movies time. Do not bother with any of this.

7. Chase Girls That Aren't Interested in You
Kind of a extension to number four. Going after women who are taken or married provides the single male with some advantages. First, if you fail, the burden of being rejected isn't as high because the odds are already stacked against you. Second, if you succeed, then you're almost off the hook in terms of the minutiae parts of a relationship. None of the time spent together usually consists of the nagging, little things that make a relationship not much fun. It's pretty much sex, sex, sex and, from experience, I can say that is awesome.

If you're looking for something long-term, however, probably not a healthy way to go about it. Not all of us are Charlie Sheen.

Top 5: Chappelle Show Sketches

2011-02-08T09:00:00.005-05:00

There are numerous reasons why Netflix is one of the most important inventions of the last 10 years, with the ability to rent/watch "Kama Sutra" without being judged by video store employee at the top of the list.

But the Netflix Instant Play is an absolute stroke of design genius - allowing us the ability to watch old shows and movies instantly. It was with this that I watched all three seasons of The Chappelle Show, a show I didn't watch in full back in its super-popular heyday. Obviously, I'm familiar with the Rick James stuff which put Chappelle into a new stratosphere. But there were a number of other sketches that I wasn't privy to before and I absolutely laughed my ass off.

For those who didn't watch it the first time, I highly recommend giving it another whirl. Six, seven years later, the sketches still hold up well. So after plowing through all three seasons over the course of a week, I feel more than qualified to rank the top-5 skits from the Chappelle Show's run.

Please don't consider this the definitive list. People's tastes in these things are so objective that my tastes likely do not mirror yours. But let's turn back the clock to 2005 as I reveal the Top-5 Chappelle Show skits of all-time. Warning: I left off Tyrone Biggums. I do apologize sincerely for this.

5. I Know Black People

The entire concept of Chappelle and co-creator (or as Jeffrey Ross calls him, "Dave Chappelle's sketcher") Neal Brennen's show is built around stereotypes and prejudices played up for comedic effect. And this builds on that, with Chappelle as a game show host asking contestants questions about racial stereotypes, and the answers and Chappelle's responses are hilarious. FYI: My dad is a pack-a-day menthol cigarette smoker, so...STEREOTYPE BROKEN!

4. White People Dancing

There's a chance I'm the only person in the world who would put this in their top-5, and it was the add-on at the end of the show that catapults it up there. The main highlight is Chappelle, John Mayer and Questlove from The Roots jamming to the theme songs for "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life." For me, it was really the randomness and surprisingness (made-up word, boom) of it that provoked uncontrollable laughter from me.

3. The Racial Draft

A couple weekends back, Tiger Woods took questions from fans on Twitter, and one of them asked for his thoughts on this Chappelle Show sketch. His answer: Fo' shizzle. It was hard not to immediately think of Chappelle's delivery of that line in this sketch. Also, the super-excellent Bill Burr is in this as one of the commentators.

2. Rick James: Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories

It's impossible to make a top-5 list without the sketch that put the show on the pop culture stratosphere. A masterpiece from beginning to end, with Charlie Murphy reliving his moments in the sun and Dave Chappelle doing a pretty dang good Rick James. And to top it all off, James has a cameo as himself, firing the second most-famous line from the sketch, "Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

1. The Wayne Brady Show

"Wayne Brady makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X." That quote from Paul Mooney, during one of the Negrodamus sketches, inspired what would become the greatest sketch in the show's history.

Playing against type, Wayne Brady plays a bad-ass thug similar to Denzel Washington's character in Training Day, complete with goatee. Two signature moments: 1) Brady impressing a cop with a song and then breaking his neck and 2) of course, "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"

Honorable Mention
The Mad Real World
Great Moments in Hook Up History
Tyrone Biggums - Fear Factor
R. Kelly's "Piss On You" music videos

Top Five: Super Bowl Ads from 2011

2011-02-06T23:27:00.003-05:00

My two all-time favorite Super Bowl commercials are sports-related:

1. Terry Tate - Office Linebacker

2. McDonald's - Jordan vs. Bird

PAIN TRAIN! WOOT WOOT! Awesomely creative concept. As for the McDonald's one, it's ruined by the fact Larry Legend could easily pay a million different people to drive and get him McDonald's. But like all great cinematic art, it's about suspending reality. Like a millionaire needs to play H-O-R-S-E for a Big Mac. But the commercial does play to Jordan's gambling instincts, so maybe it's perfect.

To be honest, I didn't really pay too close attention to the commercials as they aired during the Super Bowl. Most of them I watched on AdAge.com afterward. But, because I like to make lists, I thought it'd be fun the break down what I thought were the top-5 commercials. This list is clearly subjective, so I have no doubts you'll disagree. But feel free to share your thoughts.

Honorable mention
Pepsi - Love Hurts

Lipton Brisk - Eminen

The Top Five Super Bowl Ads from 2011

5. Pepsi Max - First Date

Yup, this commercial pretty much hit everything on the head.

4. Teleflora - Help Me Faith

Initially, this doesn't seem like the type of commercial Faith Hill would participate in. But, there was always this rumor that Hill and Tim McGraw liked to partake in the nose candy, so maybe I'm underestimating Faith here.

For any man who would actually attach that message to a floral arrangement has the hugest cajones in the world - or possibly be dating six girls at once and can afford to just go for it like that. It's possible both of those scenarios correlate.

Just don't go to Teleflora's website, its flowers are not to be bought by people living around the poverty line.

3. Volkswagen - The Force

LOL'd the loudest during this commercial. The father in the commercial wins "Dad of the Year" award for that move and the reaction by the little kid is absolutely priceless. It's like a child version of the scene in Mallrats when Silent Bob is trying to use the force to get the VHS tape unstuck, and by a stroke of luck, it comes loose and he thinks he's done it. Even the Germans understand that any Star Wars reference in a commercial is bound to get people talking.

2. Chrysler - Born of Fire

Although I didn't put this at No. 1, it is certainly going to be the most remembered spot. Who knew that Eminem would be carrying TWO commercials on Super Bowl Sunday? I'm not from Detroit, obviously, but you can't help but feel at least a little pride for what Chrysler was trying to do for its embattled home base of Detroit. No town (except for maybe Cleveland) has been at the butt end of more jokes than the Motor City. Five years ago, there's no way a company gets into bed with Eminem like this. But I guess he's become a sort of iconic figure for Detroit? Awesome use of "Lose Yourself" as well. I've already watched this commercial five times.

1. NFL - American Family

Well, I just really enjoy and love pop culture. So anytime you can involve a bunch of iconic television shows and CGI team apparel onto these characters from their geographical location, you've got to pull the trigger on it. It was amazing and well-done. You can't use Happy Days and not have The Fonz punch something to get it to come on. The attention to detail was really good. In the How I Met Your Mother part (set in New York), they put Marshall in Vikings gear. The Sopranos one with the Jets was really good as well.

I am confused why Sophia Vergara was in Redskins gear. I think "Modern Family" is based in California and she's from Colombia. Colombians aren't Indians are they? Maybe they're thinking Colombia/District of Columbia. I'm running with that. Either way, we accept her into the Redskins family.

I'm a big, old fat failure

2010-06-13T14:15:00.002-04:00

Here I sit, one year later and nothing has changed. All those habits I talked about last summer – Subway, soda, unhealthiness – they’re all still a prevalent part of my life.

Have they been cut back a little bit? Yes. I eat at the King of Subs no more than twice a week. Soda consumption is down a bit – to two 20 ouncers of Pepsi a day. Still some room for improvement though. I’ve recently warmed to the idea of Coke Zero – it’s actually not too bad.

But I’m a broken man at this point. Some people are just born to be heavyset and I’m OK with it. It’s a running joke with my friends at this point – when will Phil throw his next great diet idea out, just to once again not follow it.

Christ, I inexplicably got back into smoking cigarettes for no reason at all. On a visit to Indy, I was bored at 3:30 a.m. and went out and smoked a ciggy with someone I don’t even know. Not much of a grand story for getting rid of something I went nearly 15 months without doing. In the past two weeks or so, I’ve probably smoked two packs, all by my lonesome, standing on my porch or driving, with no particular person to do it with, so I can’t even blame peer pressure.

Two days ago, the number on the weight scale said 224.0. Not a peak weight, but certainly not a flattering one.

I’m not looking for an ounce of sympathy; the inability to stick to a plan falls squarely on the hefty shoulders of the man in the mirror. Almost everyone who writes about their goals to lose weight sticks with it, gets skinny and embraced by all their friends.

This is a blog post about failure.

My ideal weight would be about 45 pounds less at 180 pounds, which is roughly where both of my younger brothers are. But I live a life of excess – and not of the fun variety.

One of my writing heroes, Bill Simmons, always talks about athletes with this line when talking about their faults: you are who you are and you have to live with those limitations. My limitations are two-fold: I just can’t stick to a plan, even if it’s perfectly laid out for me; and I can’t bring myself to eat healthier.

What I said at this time last year is still true now: I really do not eat much in terms of overall consumption of food. Incorporating healthier foods into my eating cycle just hasn’t been a high priority. I always joke about it, but all these high-calorie foods that I eat are like cocaine for me (not that I know what the ol’ nose candy feels like, but I can imagine).

Here’s the worst part of it all: the diet from last year was WORKING! I got all the way down to 207 and looked to be on my way to reaching the ultimate goal. But I got away from it for God knows why. I thoroughly enjoyed the spinning classes – even though they were hellish on me - but I got rid of my YMCA membership.

I’ve tried jogging – I’ve riffed about it with my friends, and the core of it lies with the fact that running for a long distance seems like the dumbest thing in the world. Regardless, I try to do it maybe a few times a week. I feel like I accomplished something afterward, but then it just gets negated.

The moral of the story is simply this: I can’t stick to a weight-loss program. Not everyone is a success story.

Fat kids can't run

2010-06-13T13:58:00.003-04:00

I’m a recent victim of “fatism.”

Apparently no one thinks I can sprint – and this is incredulous to me.

If there is one thing I can do, it’s put together a burst of speed and blow past, blow by or outrace people, even standing at 224 pounds.

Of course, no one actually believes this because there is a large amount of blubber that hangs over my belt. And after seeing the wedding pictures from last weekend’s Greg Smith-Jennifer Jacobs wedding, maybe I can see why.

Here’s the gist of my pain: I am going mano-o-womano against one of my good friends, Kristy, in a 100-meter sprint. And based on an informal poll taken at the reception, NO ONE thinks I can win.

Here’s why: 1) Of the people at the wedding, no one’s seen me run or be athletic in some sort of way; 2) Kristy is very active, riding her bicycle, running a lot and even participating in a few mini-marathons and evidently kickball; 3) I’ve talked actively about my loathing of jogging, so everyone already assumes I can’t do anything athletic and 4) I’m fat.

Actually, when I lay all these points out, it makes sense that I surprisingly (at least to myself) became the underdog in all this.

(Sidebar: I was actually supposed to race one of Frankfort’s girl sprinters for a story in the newspaper, but I avoided it because she’s really fast and would have smoked me).

It’s really No. 3 that bothers me. But this is something I have dealt with my entire life. My freshman year at Ball State, I challenged my neighbor Ricky to a 50-yard sprint after he laughed in my face when I said I’d win. Now Ricky was athletic, worked out every day and was a starting point guard at Brownsburg.

Guess who won that one by a step and a half? Yours truly.

Guess who didn’t talk to me for a week? Ricky.

Haters hate. It’s cool.

In case you can’t tell yet, it really bugs me that the only person who thinks I would beat Kristy in a 100-yard sprint is my younger brother, Grant. At least he immediately said he’d put $100 down on me, no question – it also stands to be that he’d win big since the odds seem to be stacked against me 10-1. Every time this discussion came up at the wedding, I stated my case to everyone and they looked me like I was telling tales like Paul Bunyan.

Christ, even Kristy’s boyfriend Taylor, who I was football teammates with at DeKalb, wasn’t fully confident I’d win. Geesh. I was telling everyone I’d win by a couple yards easily, if not by more, and those claims fell on equally deaf ears.

I AM FAT AND FAST, DAMN IT!

But I’m only yelling this to a party of one, evidently. The man in the mirror.

Of course, instead of using this as a motivational factor, I’m now loathing with self-doubt. All this confidence I had when we first started these smack-talk sessions is kaput.

Like I do with the opposite sex, am I over-valuing myself?

As opposed to having lost one step, have I lost seven steps?

I felt like once our race began, I’d simply kick it old school, find the adrenaline deep and pull it out like I always could.

But now – maybe I’m like the dad who wants to show the young kids he's still got it like he’s 18 years old.

In hindsight, it might have ended for me in Thanksgiving 2007. Every year, my friends and I got together for a yearly football game. The previous two years (if not three) I was named MVP of the game. The year before, I intercepted seven passes under the same ideologies that I succeeded on before (everyone doubting me because of my size).

But 2007 was the worst I ever played. Struggled defensively, and worst of all, threw a handful of interceptions at quarterback. Not to mention I almost puked like three minutes into the game. We haven’t played a game since as I pretty much hung up the spikes on my tackle football career.

A similar event happened to one of my best friends, Nick. Always known as a heavy hitter, he tried to deliver a hard shot to a much taller and muscular kid in 2005. The younger kid brushed him off like he was a fleck of dandruff. Nick hurt himself on the play and never played a single winter Toilet Bowl game again.

The worst part was the look on his face as he picked himself up off the ground. It was a mix of shock, disbelief, and an expression that said he had just suffered one of the most soul-crushing moments in his life.

Maybe this is where I am. Maybe this is what happens when you hit 30 and don’t have a recent history of athletic expertise. Apparently they forgot that I once struck out five batters in a slow-pitch softball game. THERE IS A LOT OF ATHLETICISM INVOLVED IN THAT!

OK, maybe not.

My typical weekend

2010-02-01T01:09:00.003-05:00

I had the most exhilarating Saturday in a long time. Here's a look at how it all played out:

4 a.m. - Still awake.
4:30 a.m. - Yup, still awake.
9 a.m. - Wake up from short sleep. No time for shower.
9:09 a.m. - Back to sleep.
9:52 a.m. - Finally crawl out of bed. Need to be in Rossville (20 minute drive) at 10:15. No time to shower.
10:25 a.m. - Arrive at Rossville to watch Frankfort-Clinton Prairie 8th-grade basketball game. (Long story as to why I'm there. Short story - FMS team is really good, as in people are expecting state titles out of these guys. So I went to see them for the first time this year. By the way, they beat CP 73-13. Yowza.)
11:15 a.m. - Leave Rossville to head home and grab a quick shower and "lunch", which was two Eggo waffles.
12:20 p.m. - Off to Zionsville for wrestling sectional.
1 p.m. - Arrive in Eagle Country. Time to watch some wrestling.
2. p.m. - Repeat.
3 p.m. - Repeat.
4 p.m. - Repeat.
5 p.m. - And the sectional, which started at 8:30 this morning, finally ends at five. Photos and interviews are now complete. Unfortunately, it's going to be dumb to drive from Zville back to Frankfort when I'll only have 45 minutes before having to leave for West Lafayette High School, so I immediately leave for Buffalo Wild Wings in WL to grab dinner.
6 p.m - Arrive at B-dubs. With computer in hand, I sit in the bar section by myself and put down 12 traditional wings with medium sauce and two waters. No alky!
6:55 p.m. - Leave for WL High School.
7 p.m. - Arrive.
7:30 p.m. - Frankfort - West Lafayette game begins.
9:15 p.m. - Post-game interviews are complete, time to head home.
10 p.m. - Arrive home.
10:10 p.m. - Fall asleep on couch, do not wake up until 9 a.m. Sunday.

Being old sucks.

That's how you put in a 12-hour work day on a Saturday. Ugh. Top that off with six more hours (10 a.m. - 4 p.m.) at work on Sunday and that's my typical weekend. Although to be fair, Sunday was a little more broken up as I was skipping back and forth between writing and other important things like downloading songs.

Anyway, here's what I ate for Sunday. Forgot to jot down the calories - will do better for Monday.

Breakfast:
One bowl of Frosted Flakes cereal with 2 percent milk

"Lunch":
Two eggs - organic - made sunny-side up.
Four pieces of toast with Country Crock butter (regular) and Smuckers grape jelly (regular)
Water

Dinner:
Two grilled cheese on wheat bread with low fat cheese
One box of Kraft macaroni and cheese
One glass of 2 percent milk

Extras:
1 32-ounce Pepsi
1 44-ounce Pepsi

As you can tell, I am single and live by myself. If that's not the pooh-pooh platter of eating, I don't know what is. I've kind of gotten off the whole healthy bandwagon. And I'm also not drinking diet soda. One of these days.....

NOBODY EAT THE ALMONDS!!! (and other musings)

2010-01-10T21:27:00.005-05:00

Hello old friends, it’s only been around five months since I last posted here. Let me see if I can try to get everyone caught up on what happened in the time since then.

Remember that whole diet thing I promised when I started the blog? That thing lasted about as long as “The Jay Leno Show.” My fridge and cupboards are stock full of foods that make sing like Sheryl Crow’s “If It Makes You Happy.”

Totino’s Pizza. Check.

Macaroni and Cheese. Check.

Ramen Noodles. Check.

Spaghetti O’s. Check.

Even as I near 30 years old, my shelves are lined with what we simply can call “Bachelor food.”

I feel that even when I’m 40 – where I’m sure I’ll still be a bachelor – these same foods will stick around. These are also the same foods I ate at 20. Holler!

Also, I have some terrible news. There is also plenty of regular soda in my belly and in my fridge. I got back on the horse, which is unfortunate because kicking the regular soda habit is what got me down all the way to 206 pounds.

After not weighing myself recently, I decided to step back on the scale Saturday afternoon.

215.

Not pleasant times.

So on this day, Sunday, January 10 – a day in which we learned that the Baltimore Ravens will beat the Colts next weekend in an AFC Divisional playoff – I vow nearly everything I said before way back in July. The regular soda will exit my life as quickly as the New England Patriots did in the playoffs.

It'll be Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke and Diet Mountain Dew for me! It’s more like the Triad of Awfulness, but we have to make sacrifices to get skinny.

Here’s my biggest motivation to get skinny.

(Ed. Note: Couldn’t find a photo so the next sentence is awkward, but if you watch the A-Team trailer, there’s a photo of Bradley Cooper shirtless. Good God, I need to hit the weight room.)

Look at you Bradley Cooper, you magnificent bastard. I wish my perfectly coiffed hair could look just like yours too. Instead, we have a protruding belly that looks like I am pregnant.

Next time, I’ll just include a photo of “The Situation.” Greatest. Nickname. Ever.

Alright, onto other things.

This photo is of the newly married Meghann Boone and Ben Deetz! I was told that I had to put this photo up on the blog, and since they played Journey at the reception, I really have no other choice but to oblige.

OK, onto the almonds story. So last week, I decided I was going to try and get on a quasi-health kick by eating some all-natural almonds. Going into the post-lunch snack, I was fairly certain I had never actually eaten almonds before, but I didn’t think much of it.

My body’s reaction to the almonds was similar to that of the Antichrist leaving Linda Blair’s body in “The Exorcist.”

At first it was a tingling sensation in my esophagus. I didn’t think much of it because a pretty bad head cold had been coming on. But I ate about five more and that tingling feeling ran all the way up through my nose and into my ears. I couldn’t stop itching! It’s such a weird feeling when the inside of your nose and ears itch because the only way to fix that is make weird noises with your throat which somehow reverberates back through your nose and ears.

Although I only ate like 5, I did this – in the confines of work, mind you where we have open desks – for like 20 minutes with everyone looking at me like, ‘WHAT THE FUCK!’

Moral of this story: no more almonds because I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to them.

One last thing here in favor of life changes. Last weekend, I got an opportunity to see my friend Lindsay’s brand new house – and I was instantly jealous.

I’ve always been an apartment guy, but I now feel like my destiny lies in the fact that I now need to save up money to do this. In the next blog post, we’ll detail how I like to spend money.

And now, it’s time to start saving pennies and to CUT THAT WEIGHT!

Fourteen pounds lost

2009-08-30T17:03:00.002-04:00

One of my professors from Ball State, Dr. Scott Reinardy, once told our J612 class a great lesson about story ledes.
The only time you ever start a story with a quote is in the following scenario:
“I’m back,” Jesus said.
I only mention that because the one thing I don’t want to do here, besides start with a quote, is burying the lede – which if, of course, another big no-no.
What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really, but I was just thinking about it when I started typing this.
But now that I’ve officially buried the lede, let’s get right down to it.
When I stepped onto the weight scale Saturday morning, my eyes bulged with shock when I saw the number on the scale.
212.
Fourteen pounds lost.
Fourteen pounds lost without even really being on a diet.
Now, the same things I’ve talked about before I’m still doing – diet soda only and much smaller rations with my food.
But alas, I’m still eating Subway.
I still love it. And while I’m familiar with the financial repercussions of constantly pounding Subway, I actually went back to my Quicken 2007 program to tally it up and the results are staggering.
It isn’t hard to do the math. Every time I go to Subway, the price is the same: $9.84. Footlong Chicken Bacon Ranch sub with two chocolate chip cookies and a large Diet Coke.
Figure that I eat there three times a week (which is probably low), multiply that by 52 and bam, a rough idea how much money was devoted to Subway.
Yes, a six-inch sub would be more ideal, cheaper and less calories.
But the moral of the story is, I like food. And I like Subway, obviously.
I promise this is the last time I devote this much time to Subway.
I’d like to tackle a new subject now: Cheese.

CHEEEEEEEEEEEEESE (Say that like Vince Vaughn’s character in “Old School” to get the full effect)

I like cheese. I mean, I love it.
The Friend brothers are well known for their admiration for all things dairy. Milk – whether it’s 2 percent or organic – goes down like water.
But the place where we enjoy most of our dairy comes from cheese.
Now, liking cheese isn’t revolutionary in any sense. But I reallllly like it.
Which is why it pains me that fat free cheese exists.
As part of this “diet-but-not-a-diet” thing I’ve got going on (I’m scarfing down a pair of Arby’s roast beef sandwiches as I type this), I bought a bag of Kraft All-Natural Fat Free Cheddar for pizzaburgers.
This really isn’t a pizza burger, per se. It is Pizza sauce and cheese – with occasionally pepperoni or sausage – all placed on six English muffin tops or bottoms. It is also known as the Heart Attack Special.
Anyway, as I peppered my muffins (haha) with this cheese, I took a small portion, pressed it between my thumb and index finger, and dropped the morsels into my mouth.
I almost cried.
It tastes TERRIBLE, I mean…atrocious. I knew these pizza burgers weren’t going to be good, and after cooking them for 10 minutes and trying to scarf them down, my inhibitions were true.
The pizza burgers were ruined. Moral of this story: fat free cheese sucks.

That's it really. One of these days I'll write something in here that's meaningful.

Amazin' progress so far - and juicers

2009-08-18T16:47:00.005-04:00

Who knew?

Who knew that cutting out soda from your diet could make things so much easier?

Who knew that it would help you immediately drop 15 pounds in the blink of an eye?

Who knew that cutting out soda was the only thing I needed to do to get a kickstart to this new, healthy lifestyle that I'm not following (haha)?

It's safe to say that the amount of weight I've dropped so far (13 pounds) is considerably noticeable. I'm getting compliments and/or mentions left and right from everyone about it.

Especially from the ladies at the bar...yeah you know what I'm talking about. They're starting to notice Daddy (I'm Daddy, by the way).

What's even more amazing in all this is that, unfortunately I've reverted to my old habits when it comes to eating food.

I recently picked up a second full-time job (which I will explain at a later date perhaps - and no, I am not an expectant father :) ) so that is my current built-in excuse - and we all know I've used many - to slouch down on Subway and frozen meals. Yeah, I know, the frozen meals have a billion bad things in them, but they are low on calories and easy to cook.

Of course, I'm currently sporting a solid tan, maybe that's why I am getting the compliments. Who knows.

Probably the most frustrating thing is this: What if I did have time to work out? What if I did religiously watch my calories? I can't even imagine how much weight I would've lost at this point. But regardless, it'll probably be at least six months before I get back on that wagon and drop the second full-time job. But in the meantime if I stay off regular soda, try to stay at 2,000 calories/day and I think we can maintain where I'm at right now, which is a svelte 213 pounds.

Well, that's still a lot, but it's not 226, either.

If you're wondering what I had for lunch...yeah, I had two junior bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy's. I've always said that you can't change people, and I've struggled to get the laziness out of my system to cook food. And now that I actually have limited time, it makes things worse.

OK, done with rambling on this. Let's move onto something else.

Juicers.

I received an e-mail a couple weeks ago from loyal reader Erik after he read my post stating my inability to eat fruits and vegetables. Erik said that he was having the same issues and after talking to a few people, decided to buy a juicer to put down his fruits and it has been a wonderful treat for him. Erik also went on to say he was able to put down those foosd a lot easier than in their regular form.

I just wanted to know if anyone else owned a juicer and has similar success or failure stories - and also, if it helped them put down these disgusting and nasty, yet necessary foods. What are the benefits and disadvantages - if any - to using a juicer? Please feel free to share.

WEIGHT WATCH 2009
July 8: 226 pounds
Aug 18: 213 pounds

Keepin' it short...two more pounds lost

2009-08-04T21:26:00.002-04:00

I randomly decided to weigh myself this morning after some things happened yesterday...and guess what...I'm down two more pounds!

Of course, this only puts me at 218 pounds, a tremendous feat considering that I've practically given up on the eating regimen entirely and I haven't worked out in two weeks. The last part is due to the fact that I have a second job which has taken up most of my spare time. Television and movies come before working out! Haha.

The food thing, I just don't know. I just don't really enjoy these foods, if you want to get to the bottom line. I've still got a stock full of these foods in tow, and I really need to devour them at some point. I've fallen back into bad habits - i.e. fast food. It's just so easy to do it!

But...I think I might have a renewed sense of self. I had two people come up to me on Monday and tell me that it was clearly noticeable that I've lost weight. One of them was Frankfort varsity football coach Tom Potts, who interrupted his drill in practice Monday to walk over and tell me that. If he was female, I'd be gushing like a fat kid over cake.

But those comments - and the fact that I've started to notice considerable change - will hopefully be enough to get back on the horse. Still doing great with the soda thing as well, haven't had a soda that has any calories in it since we started this thing. Hooray! I think it's safe to say that's likely where all the weight loss has come from.

Total weight loss: 8 pounds to bring me down to a svelte 218.

I will re-update over the weekend to delve into a couple of issues - and also promise a lengthier and better written post. Till next time.

I apologize for not being interesting here. I will bring the awesomeness this weekend.

Why Applebee's "Weight Watchers" choices suck

2009-07-25T23:38:00.004-04:00

It needs to be said: The items that have Weight Watchers points listed in the Applebee's menu are terrible.

There's a reason that it's only five points on the WW scale and has minimal calories: It tastes like crap. You know why they put the WW thing next to it? Because they know dipshits like me who are trying to lose weight will gobble it up.

I went to Applebee's for lunch on Wednesday with co-workers and this is what I ordered:

Grilled Chili Lime Chicken Salad

Grilled chicken breast atop a bed of fresh spinach, tossed with red onions, roasted red peppers, sliced fresh mushrooms and reduced-fat cheddar and mozzarella cheeses. Served with chili-lime vinaigrette dressing.

Interesting word choices but it's one I said I'd try. You know why? Because it had this next to it:

Who's the big dumb animal, folks? This kid right here.

There's a chance this salad is actually 10 WW points, but five is listed because Applebee's knows no one will finish the salad.

Which is what happened to me.

Man, there was a lot of spinach. I don't think I've ate that much spinach in my life. Like lettuce, it really doesn't bring anything to the table. There's no taste to it, it's like eating a leaf off a tree and doesn't bring anything to the table in terms of taste.

Reduced-fat cheddar was at a minimum....there was very little of it and it was all at the bottom in the center. Onions, mushrooms and peppers were fine, but the chili-lime dressing, just flat-out wasn't very good and was one of the reasons the "salad" was ruined for me.

Whoever thought putting all of these ingredients together to make a salad would actually be good need to be taken out behind the shed and severely beaten with a salad bowl. It makes for an absolutely atrocious meal.

The only time I can recall ever being more miserable was when Mom Friend would force the Friend Brothers to eat Lima beans with our dinner. Look, I get it Lorelei, you wanted us to eat some fruits and veggies once in awhile, but has there been anything created that's more disgusting than Lima beans? I think not.

Moral of this story: Do not eat the Weight Watchers shit off of Applebee's menu. You're better off just getting an Ultimate Trio, even if you're sacrificing the diet.

It's only one meal.

Look into my fridge

2009-07-25T22:58:00.003-04:00

When you read the title of this blog entry, please sing it like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony does in the song "Look Into My Eyes."

Do you remember the Shel Silverstein poem, "Bear In There" about the bear in the refrigerator? It's the only poem of his I remember besides the one about the boa constrictor. I think both are in "Where The Sidewalk Ends" but that may be wrong. It's possible one or both are are in "A Light in the Attic."

Anyway, three weeks into this diet, I still get a weird feeling when I open the refrigerator. I'm still not used to seeing the abundance of foods within my fridge that a month ago would not be there in the first place.

On the top shelf lies a couple gallons of Horizon organic milk (which, by the way is really good. This even surprises myself because those who know me are well aware of my attachment to regular 2% milk.) Next to that is a bunch of yogurt - which is being ate a slow pace because I am not much of a fan. Still trying to find the flavor that best suits me, I guess.

Besides, I'm a huge cereal fan. That's a tough one for me to break, so I basically eat a bowl of cereal every morning - but I've switched to Special K, so at least the cereal is healthier!

On the next shelf are a couple dozen organic eggs. There is very little difference between that and regular eggs taste-wise, although the yoke's are considerably smaller.

Next to that is a bunch of fruit. I realize natural fruit is more healthy, but the fruit cup's are what I'm sticking to for the time being. On Friday, I found out I enjoy strawberry-banana peaches, which was an amazing discovery.

On the shelf below that is a bunch of lunch meat from Hormel, all of which is 100% Natural. I will be honest, it tastes like all the good stuff was taken out of it. If I ever get to the point where I reach my weight-loss goal, regular lunch meat is coming back into my life.

Also sprinkled in there is the aforementioned Smuckers' staples, the Peanut Butter and the Jelly. Great Stuff. 100% natural and fat free, respectively. By far my favorite of the lunches, haha.

In the cabinet is rice, pasta, oatmeal, tuna and a few other random things like granola.

On the whole, I'm still exploring ways to come up with healthy meals that I actually enjoy. I do have a feeling that's a process that will still take some time before everything is all said and done.

WEIGHT LOSS
For the second straight week, there is none. I don't want to say I quit the diet this week, but I did eat a lot of Subway and Applebee's. Also had a Arby's and McDonald's visit in there as well. I got McDonald's breakfast twice this week - Thursday and Friday. Had Arby's for dinner on Friday ... had Subway on Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. Yes, add that up ... I ate out THREE TIMES on FRIDAY. If that doesn't defeat the purpose of all this, I don't know what would. But I'm still at 220. So..yea!

If you look at me, the biggest place where you can see a difference is my face. You can see some of the pounds have dropped from there, but it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things because I have a HUGE HEAD. My mother's X chromosome and my father's Y chromosome did not bless me with a small noggin so even if I got rail thin, there's a possibility I'd look like Mr. Mackey from South Park.

SODA
It's been a weird three weeks. I now exclusively drink diet soda. And not only that, I'm only drinking one a day, usually a 20 ouncer as opposed to years past, when I was putting town a minimum of two 32-ouncers a day. WHOOP WHOOP.

I never thought I'd see the time in my life where I'd quit cigarettes and regular soda in the same calendar year, but here we are. We're at a good spot with the diet soda and I think I can eventually get off that, too. I may need a year or two for that though.

A massive fail

2009-07-16T23:13:00.004-04:00

This week was not a good one for this fat kid.

Before the bad things get listed, here's three things that went right this week:

1. Only had one Diet Pepsi each day this week (HUGE NEWS there, and the headaches went away for the most part, save for I think Tuesday).
2. Did not eat after 8 p.m. once this week.
3. My breakfast meals were on par with the health kick

It wasn't so much the fair food at the Clinton County & 4H Fair as it was the weird hours spent there. If I were allowing myself to eat after 8 p.m., I couldve completed this just fine. But of course, you run in the the issue of where after working a 10-hour day, the last thing you want to do is sit down to prepare a meal.

Anyway, I still have some cheap, unhealthy foods (read: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese) that are way easy to make rolling around the kitchen still, and I dove into those. Sorry for those living vicariously through my weight loss goals, which is none of you.

So, remember all the happiness I had after dropping 6.5 pounds in the first week to get down to 220? That can basically be thrown out the window. Although my rations weren't that much this past week, it's one of those things where you just know you didn't lose any weight. I'd be surprised if I didn't put back on a pound or two. Couple that with the fact that I only got to work out once this week and I'm SOL.

Did I suffer a setback this week? Absolutely. But you know what, I'll be better for it. Next week I GUARANTEE at least a 2-pound weight loss (if I"m still at 220) or, better yet, I will be at 218 when next Friday rolls around. Book it.

Solutions: Get up earlier. This one has been tried many, many times with a lot of fail.
Go to sleep earlier. This one has also been tried many, many times with a lot of fail.

If I'm going to mix up working out and eating healthy, it's clear at this point I need to do both of the above so I can wake up at 8 a.m. to work out and then get to work between 10-10:30. But my problem is, I love staying up late at night either playing video games or watching movies. I get it from my mom, who's the exact same way (the movies part, obviously). I've probably tried this for the better part of five years of my life and it never works. I punish myself for it too. I set my alarm for 8:30 a.m. every morning and the alarm clock goes off every 9 minutes for the next hour before I roll out of bed - another thing I get from my mom.

Solution: Don't be an idiot.

Easier said than done in my case though. Be back tomorrow for the weigh-in.

Damn you, Fair Food!

2009-07-14T23:56:00.003-04:00

Even though I grew up in the small town of Auburn and live in the smaller town of Frankfort, one thing that never ceases to amaze me is 4H.

And even at the ripe old age of 29, I still don't get it. I don't understand what it's like to show sheep, pigs, horses, etc. And I especially don't get the "sporting events" that take place at these thing: Demolition Derby, Mud Bog, Tractor Pull, Horse Pull. What's the obsession with these things? Why do so many people attend?

Obviously, not having lived on a farm, this puts me at an immediate bias. I'm not familiar with it, hence I hate it.

But seeing these kids compete in all these events all week, it's obvious they have an undeniable passion about it; trotting their sheep out into the middle of the barn for everyone to see, taking their steer and trying to win Grand Champion, and everything else. A lot of time, effort and dedication is put into their craft, and for that I salute them. Because it's certainly something I couldn't do.

As the sports editor at The Frankfort Times, I have and will spend much of this week at the Clinton County and 4H Fair. Today, I spent six hours at the fair - three for the Dog Agility Competition and three for the tractor pull.

If I were going to rattle off all the events that comprise the 4H portion, I think you'd be stunned. Did you you know you could win a ribbon for a collection of Michael Jordan basketball cards? Put them together in pages and a binder, slap into the Collections competition and first place can be yours.

I was talking to one of the 4H queens about this and she suggested she could put her collections of sunglasses neatly into a case and present it into the Collections competition. Guess what? She'd probably win!

OK, getting off track. Anyway, these events are why I'm at the fair all week, and you know what's lurking....Fair Food!

Look, I can't be expected to stay true to my diet when there is nothing but sexy, greasy food staring at me. But to be honest, I did kind of, sort of OK Tuesday. I did not partake in an elephant ear, but I did have a hot dog with ketchup and a pretzel and cheese. Will there be an elephant ear tomorrow when I go back for the 4-H Olympics and Talent Show (two different things)? Most likely. EEs are yummy.

Alright, here's what I did to cheat today. It's after midnight so I'm too lazy to go look up the calories.

Tuesday, June 14
Breakfast: Bowl of Special K cereal with 2% organic milk

Lunch: Two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on wheat bread. PB was 100% Natural Smuckers and J was Smuckers Fat Free. And a Diet Pepsi.

Dinner: One hot dog with ketchup. One soft pretzel with cheddar cheese. And what felt like three waters.

So, that's all I ate today. Awesome. Maybe this is the Paris Hilton Diet.

Be back tomorrow when we talk about the weird things that patrol my refrigerator.

Reader questions!!

2009-07-14T23:34:00.003-04:00

Hey guess what, we got a question from a reader! This one comes from former DeKalb High School cheerleader Jackie. Jackie asks:

Can you give us a rundown of the diet? Are you aiming for a certain number of calories? Are you supposed to have a cheat day? Maybe I missed the post about the goal.

Fair enough.

I was pretty vague on the details of the diet for a very good reason: There isn't really any set theme. I guess if you look at the food I bought, a crap ton of it is organic. There are two big things I want to accomplish with this diet: 1) quit spending x amount of money every day eating fast food and 2) lose weight. The way I chose to lose weight is basically by stripping down the unhealthy, high-calorie foods I was constantly eating and replacing them with foods of a smaller caloric intake and (gasp!) fruits and vegetables. To be honest, the vegetables thing really hasn't taken yet. Give me time.

On a perfect day, here's what I would most likely eat. For breakfast, two eggs and yogurt with a half-cup of Granola. Lunch, 6-8 ounces of meat, like turkey or tuna on wheat bread and with a fruit and or vegetable. Possible substitutes include Peanut butter and jelly (PB & J is 100% natural and fat free, respectively). Dinner - 6-8 ounces of chicken, turkey, and the like, along with fruits and veggie's...and something like either rice or noodles (healthy kinds). My work hours just all over the place so I seem to keep skipping the rice and noodles part. That's something I need to work on, hopefully it will be corrected by next week.

I don't know if that answered your question or not Jackie. I apologize that there isn't a catchy name to it like the Atkins Diet, the South Beat Diet or the Supermodel Diet, or The Zone. Let's call this the Phil Atkins Beach Zone Diet. Sweet action.

This isn't intended to be a short term diet. While the short term goal is to drop an ass-ton of weight, long-term, I just want to eat healthier and not have a heart attack at the age of 35.

My head hurts

2009-07-13T18:01:00.003-04:00

Evidently this whole "Cheat Day" thing is meant to send your head back to where it was pre-diet.

Because my head is absolutely killing me at this point. I've already popped four ibuprofen today and it's not helping. I've had plenty of water so that's not it.

My mind is trying to play tricks with me, like it's Lord Voldermot taking on Harry Potter.

"Pepsiiiiiiiiii," my mind says. "Drink Mountain Dew, one won't hurt. It's that sweet, sweet lemon taste that you want. That's what you crave. Give in to the Dark Side."

Wait, we just made a switch from Potter to Star Wars! I'm officially going insane.

After the agony of the first three days, I thought my mind and body were clear of this soda thing. I don't think that's the case. So what you, the loyal readers are stuck with, is me doing a little bit more whining. So for that I apologize. But yeah, my mind and body have gone back to the old mentality, where it wants to be filled with unhealthiness. In my perfect world, yes, I would just sit on my couch - or my ivory tower - and gorge down on Hungry Howie's pizza (bacon topping and ranch crust) and two liters of Mountain Dew. That would be a sweet, sweet life.

Monday, June 13
Breakfast: One bowl of Special K cereal with organic milk. Calories: 350-400.

Lunch: Six slices of Hormel 100% Organic Honey Deli Turkey. Calories: 120.
Del Monte Mandarin Orange Light Syrup fruit cup. Calories: 40
Diet Pepsi: Calories: 0.

Snack: One slice of Kraft 100% Natural Swiss Cheese. Calories: 90.

Dinner: CHEAT ALERT! 1/2 Digiorno's Pepperoni Pizza. Calories: 990. OUCH.

A couple things here. Yup, I cheated. I don't care. Well, I do care a little bit, but considering I more or less starved myself for breakfast or lunch, that will happen. I'm not eating anywhere close to what i should be for lunch, which actually likely caused today's massive headache (Ed. Note: I wrote the top half earlier in the day and the last half at night). Normally I have bread with my meat sandwiches (keep it clean, people) but I let it go moldy. I don't think anyone has worse luck with their bread going moldy. I don't think I've completely gotten through a loaf of bread in about 10 years.

Yell at me for cheating. It's cool, I can handle it. That's why I'm completely honest on here. Of course, it seems like I'm doing a lot of cheating lately. It's all mental on my part. I've just got to stick to the plan and not fall back into hold habits.

I'll have more fun things to say tomorrow.

Weight Loss Watch 2009

2009-07-12T17:36:00.003-04:00

On Friday morning at 9:15, I stepped into the weight scale in my bathroom.

I knew I'd be down a few pounds from the 226.5 I weighed in the Friday before the start of the det. I was fairly confident that I had at least two pounds down based on a few factors: 1) the three days of misery I put myself through detoxing. 2) I was only drinking one pop a day - diet to boot - and 3) just new food in general.

But when I read the weight scale that Friday morning, I could not believe my eyes.

220.0.

Holy f*&kin' balls.

6.5 in a single week. I understand that is not healthy by any stretch but if you put all of the above reasoning together, it makes pretty good sense. Doing all three things at the same time certainly made for a quick downturn in the weight loss department.

I think it's safe to say that's the most weight that will be lost in a given week. I celebrate it while I can because my Saturday cheat day was met with a lot of excess (but I did eat a healthy breakfast!) while also attending a wedding reception that night. I also didn't get a chance to do cardio (probably important on a day when you're hoggin') because I had to work for a few hours and then leave for the wedding - I also woke up late but no big deal. That happens every day.

I did not post my meals for Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and for that I apologize. Mainly, I don't remember what they are. But safe for sure, come this week, I'm ready to keep you updated on a daily basis while also at the same time trying to keep my insanity.

P.S. I cheated my diet on Sunday lunch. This whole self-infliction thing sucks.

Also, loyal reader Emily wants me to keep track of calories. Consider that done, starting Monday. Most of the meals I ate last week will be similar this week.

Also, I took a lot of people's advice and bought some proper almonds and the like to snack on during the day. Thanks and keep the advice coming!

See ya tomorrow.

Soda is my heroin

2009-07-09T16:09:00.003-04:00

I've never experienced anything like this.

Stomach churning, head hurting - my body in so much pain that it doesn't want to do anything. It's causing distractions, taking me away from doing work. I'm a wreck, can't concentrate - and when I go home, I'm curled up in a ball on my bed trying to sleep. And when I do wake the next morning, I feel just as bad as before.

I've never done heroin in my life, but I assume this is what it feels like when you're trying to quit - albeit on a smaller scale.

But the withdrawals my body is going through by denying it soda have been absolutely ridiculous. Why does my body feel like this? Is it due to no longer drinking copious amounts of soda or putting unhealthy foods into my body? Am I really that addicted to soda and fast food that if I try to eat unhealthy my body just rejects it entirely and tells me to go get a Baconator from Wendy's?

I needed to figure out the cause of my distress. Lack of soda or lack of slimy, greasy, dirty, nasty food? I needed to find out.

And there was only one way to do that.

Subway.

Yup, I caved. On Day 3.

I walked into Subway Wednesday at 5:30 p.m. and ordered the standard: a chicken, bacon and ranch sub on Italian Herbs and Cheese. Three days in and going against everything I stand for. But I had to do it, it was the only way to figure out if I severely had fast food issues.

After my 15-minute research, I didn't feel much better. It could only be one thing.

Pop.

My addiction to this is much worse than I could've imagined. And in hindsight, there was no reason to buy the sub. My rations really hadn't changed day-to-day. I've never been a hefty eater, it's just the foods I was eating weren't very healthy.

I've always joked to people that my body runs on caffeine, half-joking but at the same time, half-serious. It turns out there's way more truth to it than I thought.

If I could quit pop entirely, I'd likely be able to drop 10 pounds without even blinking. But I didn't like going through all those withdrawal symptoms. So for now, my current plan is to drink a diet soda a day and see if that cures the ills. It's gonna have to be baby steps for this thing.

Alright, Onto Wednesday's foods

Wednesday, July 8
Breakfast
One bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats with 2% organic milk

Lunch
One Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich on Aunt Millie's Whole Wheat Bread, using Smucker's 100% Natural Peanut Butter and Smucker's Fat Free Jelly
One Del Monte Mandarin Orange Fruit Cup
One Diet Pepsi

Snack
One Cherry Nutri-Grain Bar

Dinner
Chicken Bacon Ranch Sub from Subway on Italian Herbs and Cheese bread...nothing else on it.

NOTES: Well besides my incredible sickness Wednesday afternoon, I thought day 3 went alright. A few hours following dinner, I felt fine. I was craving some food at about 11, but guess what? I held off! Hooray me! As I type this on Wednesday afternoon, I had a similar breakfast and lunch and I feel perfectly fine. I wonder if I'm starting to get used to this after all.

I will post Wednesday's eatings later tonight, my thoughts and tomorrow we'll have the weigh-in as well. DOUBLE NOTE: Friday is my co-worker Andrea's last day, so we will be going out for lunch. This will be a test to see how healthy I can eat. Salad? Most likely. Something else? Depends on where we go, whether it's Arni's or Applebee's. Suggestions?

The first two days

2009-07-08T15:46:00.001-04:00

It's time for another admittance on my part.

I love Subway.

LOVE IT. So much in fact that, before this week, I basically ate there seven days a week. The workers at the Frankfort Subway basically know me by name and know the sandwich I'm getting without asking (Chicken Bacon Ranch on Italian Herbs and Cheese bread) that I almost always felt awkward walking in there. But my belly usually won out.

With this new eating plan, I only intend on eating there one day a week. With this plan, I get one day a week where I get to fully cheat and basically eat what I want. You better believe I will take advantage of that day.

Another caveat I'm trying to dump is my soda intake. I love pop. Probably more than Subway. And I strongly dislike the diet drinks. I need, full, head-on Pepsi and/or Mountain Dew. I had made it one of my New Year's resolutions to quit soda, but that lasted roughly eight days.

But here's the deal: No more of the regular Pepsi and/or Mountain Dew, but I am going to get diet drinks. My body runs on pop. And if I'm going to quit drinking it, it's going to have to be a gradual thing, no such luck with the whole cold turkey thing.

As I said in my first post, we'll discuss when things go awry. Here's the first two days:

Monday, July 6
Breakfast:
Yoplait fat-free yogurt - orange creme pie - mixed with half a cup of granola.
Two Eggs (real eggs, not organic, sorry! Got to finish what I have first) - cooked with the infamous EVOO

Lunch:
Four ounces of Hormel 100% All-Natural Roasted Chicken Breast slices in two slices of Aunt Millie's Whole Weat bread.

Dinner:
Salmon Patties: 6 oz of Salmon, mixed with two Organic eggs (can't remember the company off the top of my head) and Ritz crackers (normal kind, sorry!) to form Salmon Patties. Cooked on the stove with EVOO.

Workout: 7:30 at night, half hour on the elliptical machine at the Clinton County YMCA - Manual Climb - Level 6 - 320 calories burned.

Tuesday, July 7
I woke up late for work so I have already cheated here.
Breakfast:
One bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats - but I did have some sweet 2% organic milk with it.

Lunch:
One Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich - Smuckers All-Natural peanut butter with fat-free Smuckers grape jelly on two slices of Aunt Millie's whole wheat bread
Del Monte Mandarin Orange Fruit Cup - LIGHT SYRUP!

CHEAT ALERT!
Two snacks between lunch and dinner
1. Kellogg's Nutri-Grain Cereal Bar - Cherry flavor
2. One bowl of Kraft Easy Mac along with a 32 oz. Diet Pepsi

Dinner:
4 oz. sliced turkey breast - Hormel 100% all natural

QUICK TALK: Yeah yeah, I cheated with the Easy Mac. But here's the thing:

I'm miserable right now. Completely miserable San Diego. Every single second of the day I am craving food. On Tuesday night, as I left a baseball game, my body clearly wanted me to stop at Subway. And I actually did drive into the parking lot and park my car. But guess what! I talked myself out of it and drove off! I will pat myself on the back.

Clearly I have issues.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to get used to this. But one thing is clear: I love fast food. It's also very expensive, but I kept shelling out money for it anyway, almost to the point where it's ruining me financially (not really, but you get the idea - fast food is expensive when you eat it everyday - especially when you're spending $10/day at Subway).

We'll see how long it takes before I fully cave, and here's hoping it's never.

Where does the blog name come from?

2009-07-08T15:33:00.001-04:00

One question you're probably asking yourself is this: Where does the name come from?

Pretty self-explanatory to be honest. On the recommendation of Jill (and something I had previously thought about doing), she suggested I try spinning. While it's typically associated with a female thing, I figured what the hell and gave it a try.

I love it.

And I'm completely comfortable enough with my heterosexuality to say that, haha. It's an incredible workout that leaves me way more out of shape than I would readily want to admit to being. I'm pretty sure that I have never had a workout quite like I do when I spin.

Unfortunately, I don't really get to do it anymore. Living in the bustling metropolis known as Frankfort, Indiana, the spin classes are few and far between- offered at 10:20 in the a.m. and again at 5:30 at night. Luckily for me, my hours at work have changed to where I usually work from 10 a.m. - 7 p.m. depending on the day.

And since I usually went to the 10:20 a.m. one, that class was mostly filled with married housewives who don't have jobs, hence the name.

One of the beauties of being a sports editor at a newspaper is you get to more or less choose your hours. Unfortunately, the hours I basically have to be at work now cover both time slots at the local YMCA. So we'll see how that goes.

Weight Loss Watch 2009 begins

2009-07-08T15:18:00.000-04:00

Look at that belly.

I'm going to be completely honest with everyone here.

This is probably the 50th time in my life I'd decided I want to lose weight. Do I ever dedicate myself? I did once, way back when in the Fall of 2003 and Winter 2004. When I started that, I weighed in at a plump 232 pounds, worked my way down to a low of 199.5 and was steadily at 205 pounds.

That is, until I went back to college in 2005 for my master's degree at Ball State. I immediately put on 15 pounds without blinking and then packed on another 5-10 pounds on top of that and have more or less been in the 225-230 range since then.

If I'm ever going to make one final push to be healthy for the rest of my life, it begins now.

I'm 29, I'm only 5 feet 8 and when I weighed myself Monday morning, a crisp 226 pounds.

I'm no doctor, but 5-8, 226 is no way to go through life, son. Yet I've done it for most of my life. But now is, hopefully a time for change. And sometime in the next few days, I will take a side view of my belly for everyone to see, and so we can all see what kind of progress will be made here.

Here's what you're going to get from this post everyday: Daily eating habits - what I eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner and also what workouts, if any, I go through. Of course, because I'm a talker, I'll elaborate for everybody and talk about the trials, turbulations, breakdowns and cheating I go through over the course of this thing. It's not necessarily a diet as it is a lifelong change of healthy eating habits.

Once I get down to a healthy weight, will I reincorporate Subway and unhealthy things back into my life? Yes. But for the time being, I need to get to that point, and the only way to do that is cold turkey.

A majority of the meals I've ate/will eat came courtesy of my friend Jill, who I graduated high school with (DEKALB CLASS OF 1998!). Jill and her sister both went on this diet and lost a great deal of weight - but I don't have exact numbers for you since they are women, after all, and they don't like to reveal numbers.

Why am I blogging about it? I'm hoping it's therapeutic in a way. I hate fruits and vegetables so much, that they have never been a part of my diet. It's something I needed to start much earlier in life, but better late than never, right?

I'm also kind of hoping we all go through this together. Yell at me when I screw up, tell me to keep going, give me a pat on the back or to maybe give me more food recommendations.

But definitely feel free to chime in with your comments.

Let the games begin.